I KNEW It Wasn't Me!

How sad and ashamed was I when on my last phone call with my Uncle Henry before he died, he brought up something that he was ashamed of me for doing. He informed me that he wasn't too pleased with stuff I was writing about him online.
I was like "what are you talking about?" He told me that he found something I had wrote like 10 years ago and he didn't like that I had made fun of him. Ok I don't know if I had really said it but I was ashamed of myself for whatever it was I had written (he told me it was about how he would pick the lock on the fridge to get food and some other stuff in our family). I really couldn't recall ever writing such things, but I know I have a big mouth sometimes so I just apologized and felt really GUILTY!
So today I was looking for something about my Samoan culture when I stubbled upon THIS!
It was what he was talking about. But the thing is it's so Samoan that I didn't even write it, but he thought I was talking about him and my family. Hahahaha! I can't believe it.
My conscience is clear and my belly hurts from laughing so hard. Cause if you be Samoan, then you know all this is true! Enjoy!

taken from:
http://blssooalo.tripod.com/samoan-humor.html

From: K Smith (Not--me K Smith though)

Date: Sat, Mar 4 2000 2:20:54 PM -0800 (PST)

You are Samoan if:

your dad can tell you to clear the dishes by slapping the table and waving his hand

your dad watches TV lying on the floor even when there are plenty of chairs

your dad changes the TV channel with a pink eraser tied to the end of a ruler

your parents think a Ritz cracker box and foil make a TV antenna

your dad leaves a note in the shower saying don’t move the showerhead because it’s adjusted to the correct height (his and it hits your stomach) and then he signs it with his full name, like no one knows who would do such a thing?

your dad makes you scrub the toilet bowl with your hand and a rag because the American brush can’t do the job right

your dad thinks a hamburger is really 2 pieces of white bread with all kinds of leftovers in between. You like?

there is no lock on the bathroom door and all kinds of people keep coming in and you pretend you’re just relaxing

when your parents sing and play ukulele songs on the toilet

when your dad thinks the pamu (enema) cures everything even a headache

when you hang toilet bowl deodorant from your car mirror for air freshener

when you hang cemetery flowers on your dashboard for decoration

when you hang shell necklaces around photos on walls

when you mix spaghetti with rice

your grandma’s bedroom is full of old cocacola bottles and coconut oil she uses to fo’afo’a you

when your grandma looks like a peaceful sweet old lady on Sunday but she is really twisting your ear and pinching your auaga and every other day she watches wrestling on TV and yells "fusu fusu loa" while boxing the air

your grandma air dries her underwear on bushes and sidewalks in front of your house

your parents make you drink tree bark when you are sick and put axle grease on a gaping wound (you don’t need no stinkin doctor)

your grandma tells you any problems you might get happen because of your wickedness like you get mugged and robbed because you must have sinned sometime

you smile at white people then talk bad about their anatomy behind their backs

you make your own birthday cake and still get a sasa on your birthday

you and all your bros and sis get a sasa just cos your dad is mad and he says its good anyway because you probably did lots of bad things he doesn’t know about

haircut days are good for a lot of head slapping and crooked hair

your head looks like a duck’s muli when your dad is done cutting your hair

you have to sit outside in your underwear while your dad yells, slaps and cuts your hair and keeps tapping the scissors on the comb just before he slaps you with it

your dad buys you housedresses to wear to your first job as a J.C. Penney’s salesgirl

your dad says you look like a gorilla when your hair is dry (because it is bushy) but it looks just like his because that’s where it came from

your parents forbid you to look at boys and you must always put your hair in a pangi but you cannot ever cut it or wear it down

your parents expect you to dance some sexy hula with your eyes closed so you still can’t look at boys

when your legs are bigger, stronger and faster than an NFL lineman

when you’re a woman and you weigh more than an NFL lineman but you look smaller

when you help yourself to your neighbors donuts

when your dad can hit your head sitting 6 feet away during the prayer at church

when your dad chains the fridge closed to keep your 500 pound brother on a diet and your brother never loses weight because he knows how to slip the chain off and on

when your white friends come to your house and wonder why your dad is wearing a sheet?

when every shoe at the front door is as big as a boat

when the chairs are covered with plastic

whenever you walk past a dog you have an uncontrollable urge to kick the dog for no reason (just genetic)

when the dog cringes and goes "ow ow ow" before you even get near it

when you see a Samoan man beating up 4 rednecks and they all crawl away and the next day the Samoan says he’s sorry he kicked the guys so hard cos his foot hurts

when you go to McDonald’s drivethru in a towel and still jump out of your truck to fight cos someone called you a meauli

when your mom buys ballgowns to wear to church

even your dog has that superior, get your muli out of here look

when a dog bites your leg and the doctor is stitching it up, the doctor feels sorry for the dog not you. love you all

Ia fanks a lot K Smith...MALO!

***I just copied and pasted that and to any and all family-- if this hits too close to home then just know there are like a gazillion K. Smiths out there and I don't think I could have come up with this list all by myself. So it's some other K. Smith you gots beef with :)